Ever caught yourself in the same old cycle of unhealthy relationships, wondering why toxic people always seem drawn to you? You’re not alone. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but the truth is, the patterns we attract often start with us. Don’t worry—this isn’t about blame but about awareness and empowerment.
Let’s unpack this step by step.
The Unhealed Wounds That Keep You Bound
Do you feel trapped, attracting the same toxic people, the same toxic patterns, over and over? Here’s the truth you might not want to hear: the first energy vampire in your life isn’t a person—it’s your own mind. Those unhealed wounds, born from the accumulated pain of your past, are the chains keeping you bound. Every rejection, betrayal, or failure you haven’t accepted or let go of festers within you, becoming a silent invitation for toxicity. Anthony de Mello, the great spiritual teacher, said, “People don’t want to be cured. What they want is relief.” And as long as you chase relief instead of true healing, your wounds will remain open, bleeding into every relationship you have.
The toxic people in your life are not the problem—they are a symptom. They feed on the unresolved trauma and unexamined beliefs in your mind. De Mello teaches that we suffer because we cling to illusions: the illusion that we are unworthy, the illusion that others hold the power to make us happy, the illusion that our past defines us. Your unhealed wounds are these illusions in disguise, whispering lies: “You’re broken.” “You need someone to fix you.” And toxic people, like moths to a flame, are drawn to this energy. They exploit your need for validation, approval, or love. But the real betrayal isn’t theirs—it’s your own mind’s refusal to let go of the past.
Anthony de Mello once said, “The only way someone can be of help to you is by challenging your ideas.” So let me challenge you: the pain you feel isn’t coming from your past—it’s coming from your resistance to it. Every time you replay that betrayal in your mind, every time you hold onto the resentment, you’re feeding your pain. You’re allowing your wounds to remain open. What happened to you may not have been your fault, but your healing is your responsibility. Holding on to the past doesn’t protect you; it keeps you enslaved.
Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning what happened. It means freeing yourself from the prison of your own thoughts. De Mello teaches that true liberation comes when you stop identifying with your pain. You are not your wounds. The moment you step back and observe your mind without judgment—without clinging or rejecting—you begin to heal. Sit with your pain. Accept it. Then, like clouds in the sky, let it pass. Toxic people can only thrive where there is fertile ground for them, and when your mind is clear, when your heart is free, they have nothing to hold on to.
Here’s the brutal truth: your past is gone. It exists only in your mind. As De Mello said, “What you are aware of, you are in control of; what you are not aware of, controls you.” Become aware of the illusions your mind has created. Face them, accept them, and let them go. Toxic people and energy vampires are powerless against someone who has reclaimed their mind and healed their heart. Start today. Let go. And watch as the chains fall away, leaving you free to finally live the life you were meant to.
Are You Ignoring Red Flags?
Toxic people rarely hide who they are for long. The signs are often there from the start—biting sarcasm cloaked as humor, subtle manipulation, or an unsettling lack of empathy. And yet, we ignore them. Why? Because a part of us desperately wants to believe the illusion. We tell ourselves they’ll change, that we’re overreacting, or that being alone is a fate worse than tolerating their behavior. But here’s the brutal truth: ignoring red flags isn’t about them—it’s about you. Father Anthony de Mello once said, “The truth is harsh, but liberating. If you want to be free, the first thing you need is the courage to face reality.” Ignoring the red flags in others is a symptom of ignoring the deeper wounds within yourself.
At its core, this pattern stems from your unhealed past. De Mello teaches that the mind clings to pain and illusions like a drowning man clings to a piece of driftwood. Those unresolved wounds—the rejection, betrayal, or abandonment you’ve buried deep—whisper lies that shape your choices. They convince you that you’re not worthy of better, that you can’t ask for more, or that you’re somehow responsible for fixing others. And so, when the red flags appear, you look the other way, feeding the very pain you want to escape. But here’s the kicker: the first toxic relationship you must confront isn’t with them—it’s with your own mind.
Your mind is the ultimate energy vampire, replaying past traumas and creating fears that keep you stuck. As De Mello said, “You suffer because you take your thoughts too seriously.” Those thoughts tell you that loneliness is unbearable, that confrontation is dangerous, or that love means enduring pain. But these are lies. The truth is, every time you ignore a red flag, you betray yourself. You allow your past to dictate your present, letting your mind’s illusions pull you into relationships that drain your soul. Healing begins when you stop running from reality and start facing it head-on.
Liberation comes when you let go—not just of toxic people but of the stories your mind tells you about why you need them. Acceptance is the key. Accept that you’ve ignored red flags in the past, not because you’re weak, but because you were wounded. Accept that those wounds don’t define you. And then, let them go. De Mello teaches that awareness is the beginning of freedom. When you become aware of your mind’s games, you can break free from its control. The next time a red flag appears, don’t look away. Face it, honor yourself, and choose the path that aligns with your worth. Because the truth is, you don’t just deserve better—you are better. And it’s time you started living like it.
Do You Crave Validation?
The craving for validation is a silent thief, robbing you of your power and leaving you vulnerable to manipulation. Toxic people are experts at spotting this need. They’ll drape you in a cloak of compliments, lifting you up, only to tear you down later when it serves their agenda. But here’s the brutal truth: the problem isn’t them—it’s the void inside you that begs to be filled. Father Anthony de Mello warns us, “When you are looking for security in another, you are giving that person power over you.” Seeking validation is a subtle form of self-betrayal, a way of saying, “I am not enough on my own.”
This desperate need for external approval often stems from unhealed wounds. Somewhere in your past, someone’s words or actions planted a seed of doubt about your worth. Over time, that doubt grew into a relentless need for others to affirm what you can’t see in yourself. De Mello teaches that our minds cling to these illusions, constantly projecting our insecurities onto others. The mind, left unchecked, becomes an energy vampire, draining you with thoughts like, “What do they think of me?” or, “Am I good enough?” But here’s the hard truth: no amount of external validation will ever fill that void. The answer lies within, not out there.
Freedom begins with awareness. De Mello reminds us, “You don’t need approval. You need to understand that you are already whole.” The next time you find yourself chasing compliments or feeling unworthy without them, stop and observe your mind. Watch how it clamors for attention and plays tricks on you. Realize that this craving is not who you are; it’s a habit born from unexamined pain. Accept that the approval you seek is a mirage—it will always evaporate the moment you reach it. Instead of seeking others’ validation, turn inward. Sit with your wounds, acknowledge them, and let them go.
When you stop looking to others to define your worth, you take back your power. Toxic people can’t manipulate someone who is grounded in self-awareness and self-acceptance. As De Mello said, “The only tyranny you suffer from is the one within your own mind.” Break free from that tyranny. Let go of the past and its illusions. The truth is, you are enough—not because someone else says so, but because you are. When you embrace this truth, you will no longer be a target for manipulation. Instead, you will stand unshakable, rooted in your own worth, free to live the life you were meant to live.
The Deeper Lesson
Life is a relentless teacher, and its most profound lessons often come wrapped in the guise of difficult people. That toxic boss who undermines your efforts? Perhaps they’re pushing you to find your voice and stand your ground. That manipulative partner who drains your energy? They may be a wake-up call to establish boundaries and honor your worth. As painful as these encounters are, they hold a mirror to our inner world. Father Anthony de Mello once said, “People don’t really change us; they reveal what is already inside of us.” The lesson isn’t about them—it’s about you.
These patterns, though frustrating, are life’s way of pointing out your unhealed wounds. De Mello teaches that we suffer because we resist reality. Instead of embracing the lesson, we replay the same toxic dynamics, hoping for a different outcome. Why? Because our unhealed pain clouds our judgment and keeps us in cycles of repetition. Each encounter with a toxic person is an opportunity to confront the illusions of our mind: the illusion that we need approval, the illusion that we can fix others, or the illusion that we’re not worthy of better. Life repeats the lesson until we learn it.
The first step toward breaking free is awareness. As De Mello put it, “You cannot change what you are unaware of.” Ask yourself: why do I keep attracting these people? What unhealed part of me feels familiar with their behavior? Toxic individuals often thrive because we allow them to. We fear confrontation, we fear being alone, or we fear facing the truth of our own pain. But the deeper lesson is clear: the only person you can change is yourself. Stop focusing on what they’re doing and start looking at why you’re tolerating it.
Liberation comes when you accept the lesson and let go of the past. Your unhealed wounds, born from pain you haven’t released, are the first energy vampires you must confront. These toxic relationships are not curses but blessings in disguise, forcing you to grow. When you heal, you stop attracting what once felt familiar. You become immune to manipulation and control. As De Mello teaches, “The price of freedom is simply the courage to face yourself.” So face yourself. Learn the lesson. And watch as life stops repeating its painful patterns and starts opening doors to joy, peace, and authentic relationships.
Final Thoughts
You are not doomed to a life of toxic relationships. The first step toward freedom is realizing that the patterns you keep repeating are not the fault of others but a reflection of unhealed wounds within you. Father Anthony de Mello teaches us that “You are not the story your mind tells you about yourself.” The toxicity you attract is a mirror to the unresolved pain inside your mind—the stories you haven’t let go of, the wounds you’ve hidden, and the fears you haven’t faced. The truth is that your mind is the first energy vampire, draining you with thoughts that keep you stuck in patterns of negativity. But here’s the brutal truth: you hold the key to breaking free. It begins with awareness. Recognizing your worth, healing the wounds of your past, and learning to set boundaries are the steps that will break the cycle.
When you take responsibility for your own healing, you no longer give power to toxic people. As De Mello said, “When you understand your mind, you realize that you are not a victim—you are the creator of your life.” You are worthy of love, respect, and authentic connections. The moment you stop tolerating what you don’t deserve, you begin to attract the relationships that truly nourish and uplift you. Healing isn’t a destination—it’s a process. Let go of the past, stop seeking external validation, and start cultivating the self-love and self-respect you were always meant to have. You’re worth it, and it’s time to reclaim your life.
